Sitting here working from home after a day’s rest that was so badly needed I hadn’t even realised, I weep.
I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m looking for self-acceptance. All this “self-love/self-help” stuff – I never thought I’d be writing about it, thinking it was just malarchy affirmations for people who like that kinda stuff, desperate for hope and live on cloud 9, but I guess I’m somewhere in this category.
I sit with gentle tears rolling down, not sobbing- which is agonising crying which I do when pain overwhelms me, but just streaming tears. Sad eyes. Trembling lips and upset. Sadness.
Realising – (like the memory of a goldfish expression) realising that every time I get like this I’ll have to ‘accept’ it all over again. Every. Single. Time, again. As I forget how crap it feels each time when I recover. How lonely and depressing it is.
To my boyfriend – who’s message this morning which really helped, to Sophie (I gather you all know her by now as she’ll feature whenever I reference our vlogs ;)) who’s going through this with me each step of the way whilst balancing her own grief and making her mark on the world, and to those who try and reassure me when this happens, again and again. And again, thanks for holding the umbrella.
I don’t know how long this will last. I never do. Episodes, bouts, their intensities are equal when you’re going through it at the time.
One thing that could be seen as a blessing but also works against me is my ability, not necessarily to ‘mask’ but to continue, to carry on with my smile and humour. I think it may confuse people. They might think, “how is she depressed or anxious when she still goes out, can still work, cracked that joke” etc etc. Well here’s the thing…I’m still human! I’m still entitled to living life as well as I can, even when I’m not well. I just have to do it at my own pace and prioritise what I can do more than what others think is best or feel qualified to give an opinion on is best for me. I know my mind and I know my body. I welcome support and suggestions if given appropriately.
I know I can be ‘sensitive’ at this time but that’s me. I’m allowed to be, me.
Abs X 💙 😔