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Happy Birthday Mum 💜💙💚❤️💛 #blog #bereavement #grief #bereavedbysuicide #suicideawareness #suicid

Happy Birthday Mummy! 🎈

Tomorrow is your special day 💫 I hope you’re having a wonderful time in heaven or wherever you are ✨

You would have been 63 tomorrow.

Let’s take a breath to process that…

A couple of weeks back I went to visit and have a quick chat with you. It was nice. It was natural. It felt like a hug around my birthday.

I love you mum.

I thought this blog post would be easier than it’s proving to be. That’s okay though. It’s all part of the process.

Let’s think, last time last year I was in pain around your birthday. I was riddled in guilt and I couldn’t get myself down to the crematorium to visit you. I was in quite a state. Once I recovered, days after, I made a vow to myself never to let that happen again.

This year me and one of the bros are spending your day together.

That makes my heart fuzzy. We’ll prob Skype our other brother. Your other son. Your 3 kids together. I type these words slightly pained reliving whom and what you left behind. I don’t want this to be a sad blog post though, mum. No, no. It’s okay (I know, I know), if it is, I just don’t want it to be.

I want to tell you all the things that have happened in the past year. Your baby girl got engaged. She got engaged. I got engaged. Me. Moving on with my life. I found a man I want to spend my life with. A man open and receptive to everything I believe in and dream of. We had a big party. We decorated everything tip to toe in sunflowers 🌻🌻🌻 in your loving memory, mum. You were everywhere.

You ARE everywhere.

All of our hearts you touched and kissed – we can take you everywhere.

I changed jobs. I now look after an even bigger region with what I do in mental health. I campaign. Big time and hard. For you mum. For your loving memory, mum.

I will not stop. I will not stop until stigma stops, until education is communciated regularly and freely. Until lives like yours are saved. Because you are so so badly, truly, deeply, missed.

Hole in my heart.

This will not be a sad post.

The year past was the year of the blog. Named after you ofcourse. The year of the vlogs too: the year of MORE awareness. More help. More support.

I take you everywhere, mum. On my birthday this year me and 3 of my closest girls sung our hearts out (I can’t sing) to one of your favourite songs, mum. (God, I clearly miss saying, ‘mum’.) It’d been a while.

Mum. I love you. I love you so much. I miss you with all my sorry heart and I live each day ensuring I do my part. I do my part in society to create a mental health friendly approach to get people the help that they need and so rightfully deserve. Like you did. Like, you did.

I’m sorry the system failed you, mum. I know deep down thoughts of suicide took over your mind not only once in your life and I hope you are finally at peace wherever you are.

I will continue to learn to be at peace with this non-physical relationship I’ll keep with you.

I’ll tell you verbally when I visit you at the crematorium how much you still and always will mean to me. I’ll tell you all the news although I know you’re watching over me. I’ll get little signs now and again.

Oh the amount of family celebrations we would have had around this time of year to celebrate the birth of the amazing you, mum. Yet now, I can only write. I can only speak of. I can only share about. Because physically, you are no longer here. You’re on another universe you always spoke of that you believed in.

I believe mum, for whatever brings your heart peace, I believe for you.

May you have a very special birthday.

I’ll be thinking of you.

I’ll never stop loving you.

Bye for now, mum.

Abs 🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻💙 X

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