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Happy birthday mum – 2018

Happy birthday mum 🌻

I miss you!

It’s 2018 now. You’ve been absent from planet earth for half of my life. So much has happened and somehow I got this far.

You were 28 when you married and I share that with you as I plan to tie the knot this year.

I like sharing things with you as it makes me feel closer to you.

A sad thing I share is a version of the deep depression you suffered with behind your giant smile and heart.

I try and be open with the reality of struggle I’m experiencing as I want to be here. I will ask for help. I need to get better. I want to live a life that is full.

I may be predisposed to mental ill health but I will carry on through the thick mud and live for those brighter days, the sheer love that family and friends show, the beauty that life has and can bring. The memories that can be made. The laughter that can be had, you know the type – where you can’t breathe easily because you’re laughing too hard or it comes out as silent cackle.

Mum, this year, and it’s only February, I got that frightening taste of what it could be like to be in such distress that your mind becomes foggy and your vision blinded and you wonder how you can plough through.

This year. This year. Also known as by family and friends as my year. The year where my inner child was supposed to be jumping for joy at wedding excitement, the year of a new job that was everything I could possibly wish for on paper, the year I would look to purchase my first place with the love of my life. This year.

This is how I know, this is how I know, that mental ill health is not a choice. For who would choose such turmoil? It is not always in your control.

What I can do is try my best. Coping mechanisms, medication, talking therapies, family, friends, art, writing, time, love, exercise, nutrition, sleep, rest…

I miss you so much and my suffering can be as painful that I often want to be with you mum. Hold your hand wherever you are and be together.

I’m not ready yet though. I have my life here to live first. I know I have a lot more to give to my fellow loved ones in the here and now. I know that somewhere, somewhere, I will find that light in my belly and let it shine again.

I love you with ALL my heart. I miss you with every possible inch of me.

Today, mum, I’ll start the day with a cup of tea and a dark chocolate Mcvities biscuit…your favourite.

I will be with my family. We will toast you. I will have a massage (I heard you were the best beautician there was! Oh how I wish I was old enough to have experienced one from you before you departed!).

Mum, on your birthday, I hope you are at peace wherever you are. I send a virtual hug.

I ask in return for guidance of some sort. I have some incredible women around me but nothing is filling that hollow hole that is sore and cold where you are missing, nothing will replace ‘mum’.

Be here with me in some way mum, make it happen.

I love you forever,

Abs x

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