You had the music in you…

Another beautiful sunny day and I’ll be in Bournemouth later a beautiful seaside town 😀😀😀 day 3 and still contented 🙏🏻

You might recognise the snap shot of lyrics there from the New Radicals…today’s blog post is on music.

It might be sad but we’ll see how it goes.

Last night after a lovely catch up meal with a friend I got home and like many other days and evenings my partner shortly got back after me and was singing/rapping in the room and it bought another smile to my face. (We both fell in love through our mutual adoration for r’n’b and especially old skool 90’s and naughties music.) I’d like to think my sunflower passed this down to me as she listened to some classics; Babyface, Boys to men, Shai, Sisquo (cool ma right?) and the list goes on. She didn’t like the rap remixes though. I quite like those! I mentioned before that she LOVED to dance, loved to move and went to a dance school when she was younger…as we were listening and…I’ve though about this many times before actually but never really shared with anyone or organised my thoughts, I started to see a connection through some of the songs I remember her playing.

Janet Jackson’s – Together Again, Faith Evans – I’ll be missing you, Boy’s to men and Mariah Carey’s – One Sweet Day. Brandy – How you ever? Shai – if I ever fall in love again…they all have something in common about ‘loss’ and people passing away…lyrics include “I know one day we’ll be together again, I can see you star shining down on me..” & “I know your shining down on me from heaven…and I know one sweet day we’ll be together, “every single day every night I pray I’ll be missing you…” were tracks I remember repeatedly played when mum had her music dances and singalongs in the house. Let’s just take a second to reflect on the significance of music in our lives…some people will be drawn to particular songs to get them through heartbreak, to resonate, to celebrate…the list goes on. Some, we don’t think, we just like and listen. So it’s easier to look back on my list and say, ‘yea, so what?’ But the deep person I am that could make more links than the chain shop itself, I see a trend here.

From what I know, mum was a little heartbreaker and suffered what these days we’d call social anxiety as dates used to come to her door to collect her and take her out but she couldn’t face it, and got grandma to say she was ill…(I can relate and have similar behaviour at times.) Her depression and anxiety started from a young age and *I include with caution of not purposely trying to bring any sore wounds to the surface of other family members* her biological father who passed when she was 2 took his own life too, but she didn’t find out til she was older, and grew up with my lovely late grandpa who we called ‘papa’. I know it may seem absurd to many and maybe it’s just me, but that’s okay and I allow myself to think things without judging them all the time because it’s real to me…but part of me sees symbolism in the music she used to listen to. Something I can relate to in (although not wanting to die) yearning to be united with my sunflower and being for the rest of my life in a peaceful embrace of hers up in heaven or wherever she is….I think she was subconsciously or fully consciously thinking of her dad and maybe empathising with his pain as she shared that depression (whether genetic or not)…very deep thinking, I know. Tender to write and I hope understandable. Although the main purpose of this blog is to write for me and I understand it. I feel like mum was singing to her angel, her dad, feeling her own and his depression, and just wanting to be with them to eradicate both their pain together. Like they should have had … A life together… 💔

Whether or not this has made sense to my readers, it’s speaks strongly to me and we all have different interpretations and messages that come to us in different ways. I consider myself spiritual and maybe it’s just that. Whatever the music meant to her, I love the exact same songs. I want to be with you, mum. But I can’t on this earth and I won’t join another just yet. I’ll live through you in this dimension. I’ll continue to raise awareness of suicide, I’ll continue to campaign for mental health, and I’ll love you forever. You are with me wherever I go.

‘You had the music in you’, mum…I hope you found your peace with it upstairs and maybe you’re even in a forever embrace with your dad, the way I want and yearn to be with you…I loved you then. I love you now. And I always will. 💗

Lots of love from the food to the soul, music 🎤

Dance it off this weekend and I’ll be back on Monday,

Abz X 💚

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