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Work episodes

You know you’re not doing so great when you don’t even want to start your blog with a ‘hello’. . .

Oh dear. . . It will pass.

Currently sat on a hot tube home early after a wave of sadness and tears came over me and a feeling of anxiety like a stab to the chest.

Lovely.

I’ll repeat it time and time again but one of the most annoying and frustrating things I find about (mine anyway) mental health issues is that you cannot prepare for their onset or pick when they arise. There is no better or worse. Happens outside of work? You miss out on your weekend/social/leisure/me time. Happens at work? You might get an added ‘Argh how embarrassing’ feeling/will I be able to work like this?/everyone’s looking at me/I can’t do this…

Well. It sucks. It’s uncomfortable.

Somehow writing is gently lessening the stabbing pain of anxiety in my chest but it’s still hurting.

I was spaced out earlier. I go through this weird zombie like stage where my mind takes an age to process things. I feel like I look scary as I just stare as intently as my feelings feel.

The (arguably) problem with me though is, despite my smiley bubbly self, I can’t hide tears. Nope. Can’t hide ’em. Today, I was teary. I stood no chance.

I had a glowing annual review yesterday, I’ve seen a best friend this week and been to the gym… positive positive positive – BOOM – my mental health decides to take a U turn. I don’t want to moan but it just feels unfair. It’s unfair to be managing, coping, riding life and never knowing when your mental health issues are going to strike you.

It could be one email, a phone call, a conversation, just one extra stressor and it will tip functioning with mental illness over the edge to, ha – defeated. We win.

Well, no, anxiety and lows you won’t win. Yes, I now need to go home to rest my throbbing chest pain and 100mile per hour brain but I’ll keep going. Like I always do.

It’s so important to realise mental health issues are so different for everyone.

I’ve just described an episode today that reminded me of the random rain storm we had the other day in the middle of a really hot summer. You think you’re fine without an umbrella, you put your rain coats away, then a heavy downpour comes out of nowhere.

I have a feeling this will be short lived. I can’t see this turning into a (what I call a ’bout’) of depression or anxiety, but it’s length doesn’t take away it’s nastiness.

Here’s hoping for some good rest and to re balance keeping the low from getting lower and the stabbing anxiety not going any further deeper.

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