I’m not entirely sure what to call this post or what to even write. I just think I need to and perhaps I’ll find answers in here to questions I don’t have.
Repetitive themes in my blog posts are the ‘Yo-yo analogy’ and ‘the way my mental health problems like to crush my very ambitious well self’. Maybe I feel if I keep writing them down they’ll go away.
I can’t stand the inconsistency in mental illness. Then again, I’m not a fan of uncertainty in general, but it’s all part of the fun package of life I’m told, and when I’m well, I actually believe. However, feeling well and thriving one minute and crashing down, deep under a ground of heavy rubble the next is just, by no means, cool. I’m bored of saying it’s hard, I’m bored of saying it’s tough. I’d like a grammarphone (is that even the right piece of equipment? Do I care right now? Not particularly…) to shout into and just scream “arghhhhhhh!!” at the level of frustration it does to me. One minute feeling able bodied and minded and the next decapacitated by a low inner self critic telling you quite simply the answer to everything is, “nope.” Just “nope”. Not “sorry,” just “nope”. Not going to happen. “You thought you were strong you are not. You are weak. Here drape yourself in a cloak of guilt to keep the shiver of failure off of you.”
Wow, deep. Is that what I’m really telling myself when I’m low? How dangerous is that. You can’t control it sometimes though. You can’t fight off (who has the energy to lift mountains of dusty stones?) those demons alone.
The thing is, I have people around me that love and care and the rest of it but…people are my favourite word of busy, that’s what the quotes tell you to understand. I feel frustrated that like a kid in front of the class I have to spell it out to people. That I’m not doing so well. Why is there inconsistency in communication too? Why can’t people do proper check ins regularly. I feel so selfish writing this post right now but quite frankly, I’m not sure what else to do. One tip for supporters is perhaps don’t let the person with the past or present of mental health issues always reach out first. Their arms get tired. Similarly, just because they’re ok one day doesn’t mean they’re ‘cured’ and you’ve done your checking in chore.
Just for the record I’m not actually talking purely to my own network, I’m not like that or that type of blogger if you know the nature of my posts. I’m purely turning on the light in general here speaking for a few other me’s I know upset in the dark. I sound bitter and perhaps this is a raw – er salmonella type of blog than usual but if there’s one thing I promised when I started, is that I’d be as honest as I can. Something tells me I won’t feel proud of this piece but letting the words out of my trapped self feels a tad better than internally rotting me.
Clearly there is a dark cloud circling round my head and perhaps I can’t see. Anyone got any sunshine I can borrow?