It’s been a while since I’ve written. I went back to the feeling before my first ever post where I couldn’t bare the thought of people reading what I wrote but then I realised it’s up to me how and if I share my blog and what therapeutic purposes I utilise this platform for. I also remembered the ever so important impact of when I share these thoughts and feelings through words, just how much it can help break down the isolation for others struggling and offers empathy, hope and peer support. Everything I stand and fight for.
Living with mental health darkened times can be, ‘a lonely reality’ despite the many struggling with it.
Being a smiley and friendly person, I definitely don’t appear how I feel at the moment. The countless conversations I’ve had today. “How are you?” “Yeah I’m good/okay thanks how’s you?”. It’s such effing bollocks. Excuse my French not that I particularly care much right now. Going through a bit of an angry spell too, yay. It really is though. We all know it. Sometimes I’ll be sure to say ‘ “okay” thanks’ instead of ‘”good” thanks‘ but more than often I’m caught out. Especially in scenarios where ‘being more real’ is not an easy option. People don’t have ‘time’ to hear my stuff. I might not always have ‘time’ to hear theirs, but I guess it really depends how we encapsulate and define time. If anyone was really in need and as for loved ones, of course – time would be made.
Luckily in writing, (and my vow in this blog to be as honest as I can) I am able to fully articulate how I feel however the hell I want to.
“Write.” My therapist said. And so here I am typing on my screen (not quite her preferred method of me writing!). Letting it out.
Things are a bit rubbish at the moment. There are some lovely things happening in my life don’t get me wrong. Really exciting things. That make me warm, giddy and bubbly inside! It won’t deter this dark smokey grey fog in my head though.
“Challenge the negative thoughts” they say. And I do try. When I’m able to, I acknowledge and think ‘wow, how negative. It’s hard to escape from though’. It’s like wading through mud with a limp, headache and not to mention a mighty huge back pack.
That’s just the depression side. There’s anxiety too. Chipping away at my chest causing spikes of discomfort, even if I’m having a not particularly anxiety inducing conversation with loved ones. I seriously wish it would just DO ONE. Leave me ALONE. There’s the paradox though. The ‘lonely reality.’ I don’t want to feel ‘alone’ in this. Yet having such a seemingly different happy exterior to my crying interiror is already a pretty lonely place to be.
I’m tired. So tired of this. It physically manifests and drains my energy.
I’ll keep wading through the mud though.
Thank you to the loved ones who see through this shiny hard shell. The ones that hold my hand through it. Keep holding. Keep squeezing. I need the healing energy to support me through this. Here’s to the ones that love me through the good, the bad, the ugly. When I don’t feel deserving of it, you have no idea how much it means to me. I’ll try and believe I’m worthy.
For anyone reading struggling too, you’re not alone. I feel you.
Abs x 💛