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Sunflower, Seed and I

It’s here 🌻🌻🌻

It’s finally here. I am sharing.

From sunflower (mum) and me blog to sunflower (mum) seed (baby) and I (meeee) blog.

I dreamed of this. I said when I’m expecting I’ll write about mum, baby and I and baby will be my little sunflower seed. The seed is growing, so far so healthy. I’m not sure if emojis come up on here but if they did I’d add the praying hands (which I sometimes use as high fives, ha) and healing ones and fingers crossed ones!

Wow, it feels good but still a bit foreign to write. I am not one for secrets. I am not one for not sharing openly when I want to with those I’d like to, I like to share with them. So the whole ‘3 month’ society set rule was hard. I kind of get it. Chances of miscarriage decrease significantly after though sadly it could still happen. If I was super cautious I wouldn’t even post until the baby was born, and then beyond, but my blog started out for me. My space to write. And I missed it. I kept a diary of dates I wanted to back journal my experiences so far and hopefully I still will. I’m also aware I have a little readership who follow. So here I am, putting it out there. Still not spelling the ‘p’ word.

My friends and I chuckle at my choice / inability to say it. Perhaps it hasn’t sunk in properly yet. Perhaps I don’t want it to be the centre of discussion and the word makes it ‘a thing’. Perhaps it’s because the usually open me had to not say it for 3 months!

My heart is full and if it had a mouth it would be screaming from the roof of it. Happy, joyous screams of love.

Where is mum in all this? Not here. Ouch. I’ll write a piece I’m sure on finding out not being able to tell her in due course but this is not it.

This piece actually began to get formulated in tonight’s Zumba class! Yup, the baby’s going to come out dancing! As I changed into my gym clothes (had to get a new sports bra, jeez marreez did I!), and when I was swimming in the Peak District over the new year, I felt so much love for my body. Some of you will know that’s not something that’s always there for me. I’ve battled quietly over it for years. As I was swimming, and as I was dancing, I felt so good. I’ve written before about the effects of movement on my mental health but it’s something different with my new extra curve. Also, I’m aware it’s very much about the now. Subject to change. Which is why I wanted to write. I might not always feel this way about my body. But I must remember this.

Each stroke I swam and each move I danced came with a special sort of body freedom I hadn’t felt before. I’m carrying life (insert more prayer / spiritual emojis here please!).

I’m sure a few people know, and it’s okay if most don’t, but I know, I deeply, deeply know, this isn’t just about my next stage in life and ‘the next step’ of ‘having a baby’. This is more than that for me. This involves the word ‘mum’ re-entering my vocabulary and others around me. This is about the fact I will be a mum. Without a mum. I will mother a new born and bring them up (emoji x a million). It’s my chance at having what my mum managed for me for 14 years. It’s extremely special. Extremely tender and extremely beautiful. I am very grateful.

So this blog has covered a mix of things here. But I’m introducing you (and writing it for myself) to sunflower, seed and I.

It’s time. Whatever happens. I have come this far in the journey of it, and it is pretty darn special to my heart.

Thank you universe. Thank you.

Mum, look after seed from wherever you are. It still needs it’s grandma! Yes I just called seed, ‘it’ fully aware!

Abs x 🌻

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