Unusual for me to go back to regular blogging but it’s all gravy, I like to write!
(This ones for you my #STALWY Boo *Cue you cringing at the use of ‘Boo’. 🙈 #Awkward. I’m coming out with all sorts these days…you inspired this blog post from a very simple yet special conversation we shared today over good old Whatsapp!)
It was all about dates!
If you’re all reading this thinking it was a give away and open invitation to my wedding date from the blog title, I’m sorry to disappoint you. (Honestly, you should be gutted. It’s going to be epic.)
Uh hum. Grief has no dates. Time is a healer they say…and do you know what? I finally say it too. Gone are the years I’d scrunch up my face and there would be fire burning in my mind flames galloping everywhere. “Who the F are you to tell me how long this is gna take?!” I’d scream silently in my head and it would echo out my eyes. Depending on who it was I may give a false grin, an eye roll or a nod.
Anniversarys and birthdays. Sigh. Argh. Bleugh. Grrr. They’re just extra hard. Even if they aren’t on the day then the thought of them are hard. You understand the meaning of the years going by without them. As your life moves on they’re only there in your heart (or whatever you believe) and not in person. It’s hard. Or it might not be hard. Which makes it harder. Cos you feel guilty. Or maybe you’re ok with how you’ll feel? I wander if I’ll ever get to that stage…anywho talk about a tangent!
When I was younger and even not that long ago, I’d be really picky about them. I’d expect friends to remember or when reminded, realise it’s a sensitive time. If I didn’t feel this then I would convince myself those people have moved on or expected me to. That they think I should be fine. This is really unhealthy. But I didn’t know this. I genuinely believed people lost interest. They didn’t want to know. I needed to get over it. My heart and head on the other hand were determined to remember and make it known. Mark it. I didn’t know how to act. Am I meant to remember the how?! Or the person? Is there a difference in how we remember on specific dates – birthdays or anniversaries? Argh it’s just so complex. I would say I now have a much healthier relationship about it and I have open and honest conversations with friends and a lot of my close ones keep my mum alive with me. Not everyone will want that though. Grief is different for everyone. It may also change. One year I’d burst into tears at the mention of it the next I’d be angry then next I’d be all smiles remembering the good times. The point is, check in. Be open to change and how you support someone you love with their grief. The very minimal you can do in whatever way, is acknowledge. Even if that’s followed by a distraction. Because suppressed feelings will surface somehow.
I think dates are hard especially with milestones. What defines a milestone you ask? Well that’s the thing. It varies because it’s so damn personal. A milestone may be the griever’s milestone. It may be the year they had a baby. The year they graduated. The year they got wed etc etc. Or it could be an even number. A double digit. An odd number. There’s no such thing really as it’s subjective. How are people supposed to know? It’s all hard.
Today we shared dates. Dates you think you’d know for your best of friends hardships. Dates you want to be there even if they don’t even need you but you just want to give them a hug. Dates that just need a little acknowledgement.
Sometimes we just need to ‘Save the date(S)’ that are important to our nearest and dearest and learn our loved ones triggers. Whether stable, or whether they change like the weather.
Check in with your mates.
Love Abs x 💙