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Pain and Grey.

Hi all (this blog is currently private bar 1 as a test run so I guess it’s just  hi to me)

What a gloomy title you must see..’Pain and Grey’? Wow this must be a happy read you could think to yourself, you must be in so much anticipation to read on!… An extra bit of sarcasm to add to the mix. Well, I’m afraid that’s just the way it is today. Woken up still with the dull ache that is depression that consumes me. It makes me function like a robot zombie (aka not a very good robot, I hear there’s some great inventions these days!).

I got up this morning and stared at the grey sky through the windows. It was a mirror of truth, a reflection of my mind and soul in the heavy polluted fog that is yet to shift.

I feel like I’m walking around with an open wound. So exposed to every detail of germ. It feels like I’m a weak skinny lass at the gym and someone keeps adding more KG to my first weight lifting session…I’m about to crash, I’m unbalanced..STOP I silently scream, and depression just keeps piling it on, as I pile on the pounds, eating in attempt to conceal this hole of empty pain. Grey pain.

I have managed to get up today though, well done me! I’m also heading to work, though not sure I’m coming with enough strength to lift corners of my mouth and forge the smiles for the office and for people I inspire to overcome their own challenges. I will though, I’m soft for them, I’m proud of them.

I know I need to take time for self care and be with this mist (I’m even writing slightly more positively since starting *fog has turned to mist* wahoo! ~ ok but the sarcasm is still here).

I didn’t expect to start this blog when I was in bad headspace. I thought it would be more positive, educational and even uplifting. I guess what you’ll find in this blog is a mix (like that great pic of happy and sad I found). A mix of the good with the bad. When I carry my sunflower through the rain and the sun. If you haven’t worked out what the sunflower symbolises yet or you’re still working out whether it’s a metaphor or real, it will come and make sense soon, don’t wallow too much in suspense…

I’ll leave you with the knowledge that it’s also a fading colour tattoo high on the left side of my back 👍🏻 🌻 (Just discovered I can add emoji to this blog – apologies in advance for the overload from here onwards!)

Cant wait to figure out how to add pics 👍🏻

lots of love and self care needed, Abz 💜 X

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