Today I woke up a little better. Shattered mind, as some may know, mental distress can cause a strain physically on our energy levels as much are consumed fighting off or sitting with intrusive thoughts, negative or damaging.
My concentration has improved though, which has enabled me to enjoy my work again. Today I am devising presentations for my volunteers to deliver to an all girls school PSHE (personal and social health education) day on core wellbeing and resilience. Its focus is on ‘mindfulness’ this time, a popular concept you may have heard of to do with being present and experiencing things with our full attention. Mindfulness is a useful tool when we’re overwhelmed, reminding us to take a step back and address one thing at a time affecting our present (instead of ruminating in the past or worrying about the future).
Guilty as charged! Many of you may think, and it is human to do so. Sometimes it’s needed to be able to ‘move on’ from what’s happened or often planning ahead can help us by having a routine. I guess it’s all about that balance.
I named today’s post, ‘moving on’ because something quite groundbreaking (in my world of grief) happened yesterday in my psychotherapy session.
I knew I had been feeling ‘angry’ for quite a while but as a seemingly happy go lucky who associates being angry as a rather ugly emotion (although needed at times to create change in our unjust world) I didn’t really exercise it freely or give it space to be aired (apart from my awesome cousin’s Konga dance fitness classes-more on that later where I punch out my stress to some hardcore dancehall! Dutty whine squat anyone?)
Anyway, as in my ‘About’ section, you’ll see much of this blog will be talking about being bereaved by suicide. Now for those of you who have been through grief and lost a loved one, I’m sure you’d be likely to agree it’s a more messy than Eton Mess, …not straight forward AT ALL and has more twists and turns than exploring the Labyrynth Maze with a twister ice lolly in one hand and entering via a helter skelter!!! TWISTS TAKEOVER. Ok, *cough cough* back to planet earth. So it seems that because I was so young when my mum died (ouch hurts to even write still) I never really had time to grieve properly about HOW she died, more just about a young girl losing her shadow, I mean mother, I mean mum! (she never liked the word mother so we’ll stick with mum!). I was too young to understand what suicide meant, too upset and hurt she was no longer on our planet, too bruised and scarred by the loss of her and spent many of the years ahead trying to figure my lost self out being a teen and wanting to give in time and time again feeling like I couldn’t cope, just wanting to be reunited with her. Peaceful and together. Back with my best friend, nurturing her like she needed.
Whereas as an adult now, it can be even more painful as I realise the reality of what’s happend. Then I have to deal with all that. (Not trying to victimise myself here just explaining the process!) so ..apparently and according to my awesome psychotherapist (more on this to come as I tell you about some of my more comical or hideous encounters of earlier therapy in future posts) the anger that I was displaying was actually a positive, as she felt I’d been trapped in the ‘guilt’ stage for so long but it’s finally shifting and what a lovely stage to now be in, hello there anger. Why are all the stages of grief so butt ugly? Like why can’t it all be sunflowers and sunshine? Ah, maybe because mental illness took her and that was that. Ouch again.
Anyway, even if it hurts it’s supposedly healthy and I, need to acknowledge and accept this as part of the grieving process. It’s all a long windy learning curve. So although I wish it would CURVE into a ball into a black hole somewhere, it is what it is. (I say that a lot these days, ‘it is what it is’) not sure if I’m just shrugging it off, coping or what, but hey…it is what it is!
It’s ok though, despite all this I still love my sunflower 🌻 and I’m more positive today.
Over and out from Planet Abz X