It’s blue and I know it’s beautiful.

Hi all,

I hope you are all well.

I named this title today because the sky is a beauuuuutiful pale blue and I do love a good sky. And blue. Sunflower’s favourite colour is blue. And so is mine. Maybe because I wanted to copy all her interests, maybe because it is actually my favourite colour. Who knows Joe, who knows? 💙

So even though my insides feel the not so good interpretation of the word ‘blue’ I’m able to appareciate the beauty this morning. (Ok judging by my writing style it’s going to a be a lovey dovey one this morn, hold on tight…)

Ok so let’s talk about her. Something I haven’t done for a long time but I yearn for people to ask in a way that is not scared, a way that doesn’t say ( ‘I know she took her life’ afterwards, a way that is mum withOUT the illness, the sunflower standing tall above the rest in the field of those who love her pointing their petals toward her.)

So my mum. My beautiful mum.. I even miss people saying her actual name and my ears peak up like an excited puppy when I hear it as it reminds me she’s still alive to others too and not just in my heart. Soppy much? In fact, part of the reason this blog is therapeutic to write is because I miss using the word ‘mum’. Can you imagine up to the age of 14 how many times you say it? (Or dad/other guardian) Whether it’s having a teenage tantrum or crying ‘cos you want your mum’, mum can I have a cuddle? Mum who tucked you in at night. (I know not everyone has that special relationship with theirs or perhaps they have never had this or were at loss much much earlier, but imagine someone you hold very dear to your heart). Cue attachment issues and Bowlby’s Attachment Theory!

Well my mum, she was gorgeous. Inside and out. Cliche but true, in a literal sense she lit up a room like sunflowers do. Big big beaming smile that stretched from ear to ear. Hair full and volumous inherited by our glam’ma (mum’s mum’s nickname). I got it too. Sorry bros…they weren’t so lucky 😳 but handsome nonetheless 😉        A curvy woman who’s hips didn’t lie! She loved to dance 💃🏻 she loved music. She went to a dance school as young lass and it made her happy.

One of my favourite memories was how excited I was when it was her birthday one year and I’d saved up my pocket money and dad took me to HMV to buy her favourite single. I managed to find it with 6 variations (oh back in the day hey of CDs where not everything was online! I live my life a bit ‘back in the day’. I use paper diaries, notebooks instead of excel, self confessed and no shame whatsoever stationery LOVER 😍 In fact, if anyone is ever out with me in London on a hard day…take me to Paperchase Tottenham Court Road, 3 stories high of beautiful stationery 😍 as long as you’re ok with my gazing lustfully and new fresh paper smelling the products in a slightly eerie way maybe stroking them as I pass… Ok to be fair, I don’t care what you think,  it’s all about the paper in there!)

ANYWAY back to the story.. It was Janet Jackson’s ‘Together Again’ by the way (which carries quite a lot of symbolism for me but too early days to go into that). She was so happy when she got it. We used to dance around her room to the record on repeat, the 6 tracks after the 6 tracks and her smile on repeat too.

That’s just one happy memory, vivid too, as some will fade over time, that I’d like to share. It makes me want to cuddle her, so I’ll ‘air’ cuddle her. Also more symbolism of how something blue (sad/low) can be beautiful too. 💙

So I guess that’s a nice happier blog to leave you with on a Friday. I’ll return on Monday…where hopefully I would have learned a bit more about blogging like adding a pic or two as I’m going to a course about it… Yes that’s right, old fashioned me would rather pay to get someone to show me bit by bit than watch it on a YouTube screen or read a digital ‘how to’ for free. Although I do have a special Vlog (video log) project coming up with a certain special someone, so I guess I’m going to have to get to grips with it at some point and become a tech savvy 😂 Laughing at the thought.

Back on Monday, unless I’m really motivated before hand or they get you to publish stuff on the course.

Happy weekend 👍🏻 Abz X 💜

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