I’m not really sure … 

I’ve written before about single tasking and its pros over multi. I’m writing this as a reminder to myself as I’m pretty run down. Physically and mentally.

I don’t feel too ‘ill’, but I need to wind things back and single task. As an anxious person, my natural state is to go through 1000 things at once as they come and enter Abbie world, and try and absorb it like a sponge when actually the thoughts meet a wall. Some bounce through, get to the other side and survive. Some don’t make it. They fall into no mans land. Some get stuck in the middle. Some float. You get the gist…

Therapy was interesting today. I’ve had a couple of concerns about my feelings toward important family members and it helped me to explore these, although like a soap opera, we tend to get to the root of the issue at the tail end of the session, and we’re left at a cliff hanger…until next time.

I’ve been low. Contemplating and questioning my path despite big successes this year and last, and my own journey. Wanting to make decisions or have them made for me by the universe when perhaps I should be ok with the pace. I always know when I’m more ‘well’ as I’m okay with ‘slower pace’. I don’t rush around and fret at others rushing around me. I don’t ruminate over the same scenario that can’t be changed nor a new lesson be learned. I’m calm. I like it. Though it’s not my natural state, it’s rewiring I’ve been working on and I’m proud of my progress. (When I’m well).

Now is not any of this. Tonight I’ll spend the night with my boyfriend and family. Just them and give my full attention, they deserve nothing less. I won’t unneccariliy check my phone or work email. I need to rest.

“The greatest gift you can give someone is your full attention”. That’s tonight’s mantra.

Work tomorrow, I need to be mindful. I need to invest fully in each task. Accept help if it’s offered or I need it, I’ll reach out. Accept who I am at work and my feelings of low ATM.

Even sleep is a ‘skill’ when I’m well that I can acquire. I have the strength and mental energy to apply myself to sleep. If I’m well, I know not to look at my phone late at night for the light doesn’t help and technology isn’t great either. I know little tricks for my body and mind to help it stay focused on its own need to sleep and wander in dream land. When I’m not well, low or anxious, I’ll be up checking the time, my phone, opening my eyes, checking emails, and like a dirty sponge – taking in all the crap that I don’t need to instead of drifting into a peaceful sleep.

Writing this sounds positive. And I am going to give it a go, but something tells me I might get in the way of me doing so. I don’t trust myself in taking charge and looking after myself right now. I feel like A & D may have something to say about it and their presence is stronger than my own. We’ll see, I can only try.

I feel very low ATM which I think I’ve even mentioned and somehow don’t even feel like it’s me typing. Like it’s depression…taking control of the keyboard on my phone right now. It’s devilish ways saying, “you can’t do this”, “you won’t do this”. “You’re not able”. I’m a bit hurt and frightened to be honest.

I’m on my way home though and hopefully I’ll make it there okay and wash away this feeling. As if it was that simple,

Keep well,

Abs X 💙

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