I distrust my relationship with trust and distrust my distrust in others…

I hope you are well.

Me? Better than yesterday but still a little shaky as the physical affects of A&D are pretty nasty stains that don’t shift that easily without hard work and a few hot washes. by the title? Let’s shed a little light:

Therapy was interesting yesterday. As all I say I can afford is twice a month instead of the recommended once a week I often have the same feeling and thoughts before: “Am I really getting anywhere with this? I know she’s great and I’m always wowed but is this struggle worth it?”. And as usual I leave a happy customer. Customer- ah dear, I guess that’s what it is really. Or perhaps client is a nicer therapeutic word. She is bloody genius though. Me? Not so much. Took me 50/60 minutes to understand what she was trying hard to get me to understand.

She was saying that basically because I missed out on some key nurturing as a kid during vital developmental stages I am now having to do it as an adult and there’s no escaping, I have to do it. Despite me thinking it’s embarrassing for an adult to go through this as it’s not very ‘adult’. She was reinforcing I’m not going to get anywhere if I keep punishing myself and thinking that me needing these basic needs as an adult is pathetic. She really seems to believe in me. My twisted mind on occasion thinks maybe she’s humouring me? But that’s exactly what she’s trying to get me NOT to do. Think the worst, not trust in people, think they all don’t really love or care – that they’re sympathising. When actually, maybe they do, maybe I should have faith, and that’s how people learn to trust. It’s really hard though. Like realllly hard.

As it was quite a heavy session I only managed to stay at work a few hours after before feeling too fragile and needing to just ‘be’. I left a bit early but I’m working late tonight (I always feel the need to justify my work/load/shift even though I know I work hard and to be flexible in working is actually a blessing for productivity and staff wellbeing at my work place and many others I know of – it’s like a capacity insecurity though. When an old boss told me “maybe full time work will never be for you because of your mental health problems” my heart sunk. It wasn’t said with compassion it was said as a genuine belief that because of my mental state there’d be little chance I could ever function ‘normally’. Well 2 fingers up to you lady because I’m doing it. But even if I couldn’t…that’s no reflection on my worth or ability. I do what I can. And I do my best. And I don’t need to prove anyone wrong.” (Rant over, bitter much? 🙈)

I’ve had ‘friends’ like my ‘Open Friendships and OHpen friendships’ blogpost, that I never gave the satisfaction to the latter part where even those that felt so real only falsely soothed the cracks in my heart with fake stitches like a bad sewing job. Sometimes you need to throw that away, even charity doesn’t deserve that. Upcycle existing friendships and utilise the bits that mean the most to you. Invest in new connections and treasure quality…

That’s what I say.

I know what my favourite items are that I couldn’t live without. Not just those I take out on on occasion that may look pretty but they don’t feel good 😉 I’m metaphors and similes are us today 🙈 they do the same to me though.

But nothing beats a friend version of your wardrobe staple, your comfort, your perfect fit that stretches when your bloated and gives you room for ranting, that’s fits like a glove when things are tough – they’ll be holding your hand (cringe) and warming you…

Hang on to your staples.

Love and trust struggles,

Abz 💙 X

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