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How do you see it?

It’s hard today. I don’t know why. Last night I hit a wall. Something changed. Sadness came.

I’ve been feeling quite distant whether physical or mental from those I love. And it hurts. I feel a barrier that won’t let me through.

The quote today is really representative. When you’re low, you don’t see things the way they are, you see things the way you are.

Insecurities come flooding and it’s quite hard to fight them off. My partner really insightfully helped eventually last night when I felt trapped. He was telling me he’s noticed a pattern…(for anyone that’s ever been to therapy/GP for mental health problems) you may have heard they ask you if there is, or to try to identify, a ‘pattern.’ It’s spotting the signs/triggers etc that may lead in the run up to A&D (can’t bring myself to type those dreaded words today). It’s always been frustrating for me (and likely for many) that with A&D, I often can’t pinpoint a trigger. When we feel like that – low beyond words and feelings – it’s always a relief to have something to point the finger at… so it’s quite baffling and hard for us and for others who want to help, if there isn’t one (a trigger or pattern) . It could be easily spotted – like a time of year, or it could be when the weather changes and access to vitamin D inevitably decreases with a lack of sunlight.

My partner told me he knows I may be at risk when I start feeling like the world is distancing itself from me, and I can’t access basic needs and emotions; love, happiness, pride, fulfilment…(from myself or from others) because they’re overshadowed by insecurities, low and darkness. How lovely. How sudden and strange from my beautiful mindful peaceful walks in Ireland (maybe because I was in fairytale land … and back to reality now.) But it’s not the way things are. It’s probably not AT ALL. It’s the way I am. Me, frustrated Abz 👍🏻

When I feel like this though (or at least today) I still have a strong strong sense and belief of gratitude (my favourite attitude 😉 wahey a bit of humour/rhyme…things are picking up…) I still knew last night that despite my block between myself and loved ones, they’re still there. In my life. How lucky am I? My glorious gran who I couldn’t admire more. My cousin who provided me with jokes and has such a great personality I’m proud to be his cuz, my partner who somehow keeps going through this with me🙉 and the people on the other side of my phone and messages.

An important message my partner said that made my sore heart beam with warmth toward him even if my expressionless face (RARE – I practically have expression and transparency oozing out of me! *oozing – what a word🙈) didn’t show it was – “so this is where we really need to acknowledge it Abz, you know – in case it reaches depression, or if it is there already, we need to take it apart and get to the root, talk and help you. I’m always here.” Doesn’t your heart just melt like butter at this glorious man I mean seriously?! How supportive!!! How knowledgable from someone who when they first met me had no idea what A&D were!

He needs medals and awards for his relationship with me although people would tell me I shouldn’t put myself down like that. I am loveable unconditionally, even when I can’t see it the way I am. It’s not the way things are.

Love Abz X 💜

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