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(How) Are You Feeling? 

Hello Blog World,

It’s been a while since I’ve written (I can already guesstimate that I’ll be writing that line often when A&D takeover) but I haven’t exactly felt motivated to write.

The girl that loves words, word play and writing, doesn’t feel like it.

So the title (How) Are You Feeling? Well, are you? Are you, ‘feeling’? I miss that. ‘Feeling’. I say I miss it, but if it’s deep dark pain then I don’t. Although at least it’s a ‘feeling.’ And being able to ‘feel’. You still with me?

At the moment I’m going through a seemingly long stage of numbness. I’m not really able to feel, especially the joy in the things that would usually bring me pleasure.

I’ve cut down my socialising and some how think this has helped. (It was frustrating me that I wasn’t able to ‘feel’ and experience the fun, the joys, laughter and many other emotions needed for a 2 way relationship.) I’d be tired. Feel low in between. Want to go home and be in bed. So the weekend was a quiet one. But it was nice. It’s helping me to rediscover the things that used to (and hopefully not too far deep down, still do) bring me joy.

One (among a few) who I never have problems being with because he allows me to do just that – ‘be’ – is my lovely boyfriend. Incase he’s reading thinking, “hey, we had a good weekend!” In which I’m not denying – as we really did. I enjoyed just ‘be’ing’ with him. I don’t have a problem being around him when I feel this way. I’m not being judged and he eliminates my worries about thinking that I appear ‘boring’ in that i’m not really up for doing much ATM. In fact, it’s helped me get back to basics a bit. Like the beauty and simplicity of just talking about, well…stuff. Yeah. Just stuff. Simple, present, being together and communication.

I say I haven’t been writing, but I’ve just finished participating as a co-researcher in a creative writing for therapeutic purposes course and it was really great. It was ‘stuff’ I’m interested in but new and hadn’t explored before. New things. Poetry or acrostics…new people. Small intimate session. Nice group. No pressure. Sharing and caring.

Again, I say it was ‘great’ because I know that ‘feeling’ me, would be able to appreciate that it was great. I’m just not absorbing pleasure like I used to. I’m numb, and operating on autopilot (which although is common to many in their jobs/daily lives, is new to me). And I wouldn’t say I’m a fan.

I have a ‘feeling’ 🙈 that many people get like this from time to time. I’m thinking- I need a new challenge. New surroundings. One month tomorrow until me and my beau (cringe) head off to the beautiful Iceland. To see the golden circle. To bathe in the blue lagoon, to watch my favourite sea mammals (hi there whales 🐳). That, I’m looking forward to.

It’s not just new things though, but also, connecting with old interests, which has been helpful. So this weekend I spent time re-organising my room – adding to my self care box and sticking the poetry I had done/liked into a notebook a friend had bought me. Simple cutting and sticking, sitting in my onesie cross legged in a pile of stationery … Perfect.

I’m trying to ride this less than mediocre, dull, sensationless, period out. I’m being more patient than I thought I’d be. Considering the boring and frustrating elements it has.

If anyone wants to try and ignite some ‘feeling’ of some kind within me you are more than welcome to try. I just won’t get my hopes up. I still love and care for the ones I’m not spending time with either, they don’t disinterest me. It’s just the lack of feeling leaves me like a useless sponge. I won’t be able to bubble up so you might not wish to tryout your organic shower gel on me… Will drip drop right to the floor.

Lots of love (that I want to feel!!!)

Abs X 💜

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