Hello again all,
Today I’m writing part 1 of a 2 part blog about my journey with exercise and eating problems.
Day 2 I’ll give give a shout out (that my small following get to see) to my dear cousin, for helping my KONGA journey begin…(you’ll understand that bit later!)
I’ll start at the beginning, the story teller I am…
When mum first left the planet, I really was an incapable lass. She’d done everything for me, and I kid you not-i don’t think I could turn on the kettle and make my beloved hot Ribena (highly recommend-go to drink-shock emoji if you don’t like it or haven’t tried for my and your pleasure 😲). Yes I was 14, but as the youngest and mum’s only girl, it’s just the way it was. Bar a tough period of her ex moving out which didn’t happen soon enough, I was left alone most the time. So I had to figure it all out.
Because I was so lonely, I found comfort in food. Not just learning to cook (this took a long while, I once made my new friend frozen onion barjis for dinner 👍🏻) *she’s somehow still in my life 😉 🙌🏻* but eating too. Making, eating, making, eating, making, eating. Making, eating X 3 basically. The process behind it was that I’d come back to an empty house after school *and that’s where my compulsive need to literally and metaphorically swallow and choke on all my food load of emptiness came from,* and make myself a meal, then another, then another. It would combine learning to cook and eating. It turned into my ‘f(r)iend.’ Something that was always there, (although mostly alone, my fridge was usually always full thanks to drop ins from other family members and an allowance that was set up for me – I won’t go into too much detail on family members although they are crucial to my story and recovery because I respect there privacy-) this, gave me routine. And also EDNOS (Eating Disorders none otherwise specified) including aspects of Emotional Over Eating/Binge Eating Problems that actually began before mum passed. It’s National Eating Disorders Awareness week this week so I’m glad to be sharing a little insight into my own journey although out of all my mental struggles, it’s the one I least talk about and struggle with self-stigma (determined to tackle this through my blog though). These over indulgences, purges, refraining from food at all – stages, lasted a good few years on and off pretty silently and hidden from those I loved because I carried shame and already felt labelled as a ‘problem child’. So I just tried to ride it out, bar mentioning it to a few therapists I saw.
You may be thinking this isn’t ‘Fight it the fit way’…as my title states, but it is key to the ‘why’s, how’s what’s and when’s’ of my story.
Again, thanks to a little arrangement I managed to be set up to a gym from 15. Most my school nights altered from binging evenings alone, to gym binges. Hours on the machines, relaxing in the pool, talking to anyone I could, to seek some much sought out attention due to my isolation. It got me into a good few dangerous situations, especially for vulnerable young girl who looked a lot older than her age. Not to mention the walks home alone at night.
Talking of walking (God I love rhyme) I also lived 1hr and 30/40 minute from my school. So on occasion, instead of taking the bus, I would set my alarm (or wake up naturally at 6) and walk to school (on the days I did decide to make an appearance). Again it was more to beat being alone in my flat but with other distorted thoughts such as in quest to burn of last night’s binge. It added to my exhaustion but it got me out that place. That place where my care giver was missing, that place where she’d never come back.
A bit hard hitting perhaps, but just some of the things I did to keep going. (even if it was in the wrong direction, at least it was still going).
At 23/4 though, my cousin had started a fitness class, established by Australian founder Tara – The Jungle Body. She’d tell me about it for aaaages before I plucked up the courage to go..’How much fun it was, how it helped to relieve stress, how it didn’t matter if I went left and they went right, and she’d be there!’ What more could help make me feel comfortable?! Well, as many with Anxiety may know, change and starting something new and exposing = daunting (especially a GROUP class- I mean I’d been to the gym but never with others watching me!) Except they don’t watch you, as they’re so immersed in the fun and thrill of the exercise and let go of it all why would they be…
I will continue tomorrow’s blog about how exercise now slots into my self care plan, it’s challenges and its smashing stigma positives.
For now, it’s to work I go. Hi ho, hi ho! Abs X 💗