Bit of a later post today as I write on my commute, (I start work later today after my 12.5 hr shift Weds.) In case you couldn’t work out the title, it’s ‘Alcohol and me, but meds too’. The picture is me trying to put my head back together when the aftermath goes wrong 👍🏻
Ready to ride the rollercoaster with me? I think you are.
So let’s start when I was first ever put on meds (after years of anti-med protesting to the docs! “Me? Meds? Nope. Do you know what happened to my mum? It didn’t agree with her and I won’t let it do that to me!”) cue angry voice* … docs loved me 👍🏻…although I do actually think my doc when I was 14 was a big fan. A mix of feeling sorry for my lost soul and maybe getting a bit of a thrill over the excitement of my teenage life after trauma. He heard all sorts of stories 🙈🙉🙊🐵 and my previous doc was great; A beautiful young woman with patience and interest in me, but I recently left when I moved. It’s not often you find a good doc especially in London…you can get a different one each time…but that’s a whole other blog post in itself!
Back to the point of this one – I’m 19, my last few days as an in patient, (at a hospital where the doc that let my mum out before she died worked. *clearly still a tad tender/bitter there!) and they finally convince me to go on meds. I should mention that at this hospital the most simple conversation I had changed my life. A psychiatrist came into my room and said, ‘Who are you Abbie? Who is Abbie?’. I looked at him baffled, ‘urr…me?’. He said no. He said ‘what’s the first few things people say when they meet someone knew?’.. I don’t know, how we are (we lie and say fine thanks half the time) good ol’ British culture…anyway…the point he was making was, ‘what makes up who we are?’ Who was Abbie? I spent so much time in lost little girl pit I’d only ever dug further down to stay there, like a badger digging a hole to find mum. I’d never seriously put thought into, ‘hmm..how do I get out, what are my resources, who am I’m And that’s where I saw my light at the end of the tunnel… (New love for badgers after watching a nerdy documentary on them recently).
Despite this uplifting conversation, my journey with meds prescribed at the time was pretty horrific. I was angr(ier) than ever, my mood would be up and down more than a self moving yoyo attached to a light switch…
My poor partner at the time and his friends must have thought wow, what a keeper..😥😧. But I didn’t know what was going on either, I had no control. I didn’t like myself. It was darn right horrible. And don’t even mention alcohol with that one. I’d have been back in that mental health hospital before you could say ‘tequila’ if I continued to drink on those…
Anyway, I weaned myself off them and slowly got back to a less extreme version of the ‘up and down’ me. Still struggling. Still searching – to be at peace with myself, and establish a type of ‘normal’ for my brain.
Even before meds, alcohol was my escapism. (along with a far more controversial vice that I doubt will get fully explored in this blog as its too intimate for some of my close readers!) 3 bottles of rose for £10 in my local shop, looking older than my age. It became a nightly occurance to try and cope alongside food and exercise binges (what a healthy lass I was). Yes, yes all young people drink and have fun…but mine wasn’t always about that. It was deep. It was lonely. I drunk alone at times with the comfort of my computer. Talking to my troubled thoughts. Noone to try and stop me or help. Drink drink drink. Another loving companion of mine. Cigarettes too. (Mum used to smoke, wish I could have sat down with one or two and talked about life etc etc). I don’t really smoke anymore. I can’t really escape to my old vices. It’s a bit weird really but healthier I guess.
I’m now on some different meds. And so far so good, they’re working from me. (This blog would never be to scare anyone from trying meds, we are all individual, it’s all a journey…). But in terms of still trying to be a cool 20 something and thinking maybe I should be wanting an occasional boozy night like old times.. They just won’t permit that. I think it’s for the best really. You learn with meds they’re only compatible with certain drinks and it’s probably for a reason. Alcohol and other drugs and addictions are bad enough without meds with their hangovers and guilty shame attached. Yes, of course it’s fun sometimes, but for me, on meds- it’s like the pic attached. The next day might be spent re-threading my brain and trying to piece it all back together as I may ‘trip’ out, and not in a good way. Pretty much how I spent this morning 😔
I have to look after myself, and realise this is okay. I’ve done my time experimenting and I’ll probably make mistakes in the future as I find out what I can and can’t drink, but that’s okay. My true friends accept this and love me with a without a glass in hand.
I’d rather be mentally as healthy as I can be thanks 👍🏻
On that note, have a happy wknd. Drink safely kids 😉 lots of love, Abz X 💜